Doctors and clergy alike had referred to the disease for centuries as 'holy madness'.' Epilepsy was particularly feared because of its reputation for producing compelling - but false - visions. Sister John agonizes over the possibilities: 'She knew quite well that one of the first questions asked of anyone wishing to become a cloistered nun was, 'Have you ever been treated for mental illness or epilepsy?' If the answer was yes to either, the candidate was automatically rejected.

These visions are accompanied by blinding migraine headaches which are growing progressively worse. Though she is able to resolve this dilemma with steadfast commitment to her calling, something else continues to trouble her. Sister John's writings are eventually published to great acclaim, earning some much-needed funds for the monastery and providing her with an ironic sort of public recognition antithetical to the Carmelite way of life. As soon as she could move again, she opened her notebook and began writing. In this radiance she could see forever, and everywhere she looked, she saw God's love. More luminous than any sun, transcending visibility, the flare consumed everything, it lit up all of existence. Powerless to save herself, she drifted up toward infinity until the vacuum sucked the feeble light out of her. Higher and higher she rose, away from all she knew. She became an ember carried upward by the heat of an invisible flame. Salzman describes this state of grace in simple, moving terms that are never too overstated or melodramatic: Pure awareness stripped her of everything. After years of spiritual barrenness in which she merely went through the motions, she received a miraculous gift: the ability to connect with the Divine directly in rapturous visions that inspire her to write luminous poetry. Though self-abnegation, humility and sacrifice are paramount to the order's way of life, Sister John can't hide the fact that there is something dazzlingly different about her. On the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles, Sister John of the Cross lives out her austere and highly disciplined days as a contemplative nun in an isolated Carmelite monastery. In simple language infused with poetry, Salzman tells us what can happen when profound religious commitment collides with the tangled, ambiguous reality of being human. Though Lying Awake is the kind of book that can easily be read in a couple of hours, its impact reverberates like the tolling of chimes long after the final chapter ends. In his brief, spare psalm of a novel, Mark Salzman probes the mind and heart of a Christian mystic with delicacy, compassion and insight.

Lying awake by mark salzman